Understanding Emotional Regulation: A Guide for Families

Have you ever witnessed your child having a complete meltdown? Perhaps it was because their block tower fell over, they couldn’t have a friend over, or they received the wrong colour cup. These parenting moments can be confusing. It can be challenging to interpret what is happening when your child exhibits such big behaviours. This confusion is especially true when these behaviours seem out of proportion for the situation, appear out of nowhere, and are difficult to diffuse.

These types of behavioural responses stem from a still-developing skillset of emotional regulation. This is a normal part of child development.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation involves recognizing, understanding, and managing your emotional experiences in a helpful and adaptive manner. It's about influencing which emotions you have, when you have them, and how you experience and express them. This skill allows you to navigate the ups and downs of life without being overwhelmed by your feelings or acting on them impulsively.

Emotional regulation is NOT about suppressing or ignoring feelings. Instead, it is about noticing how one feels (even if it feels uncomfortable), identifying the feeling (angry, sad, lonely, jealous, etc.), and taking action to cope with those feelings in a helpful way. This could include seeking comfort, crying, communicating, or setting a boundary. While this may sound straightforward, it is essential to note that emotional regulation is a developed skill, not an innate ability.

Why is Emotional Regulation So Important?

Every human being is born with brains wired to experience emotions, often strong ones, as an evolutionary method of survival. For example, a baby cries when hungry to elicit a parental response for feeding. However, children are not born with developed reasoning, logic, problem-solving, or emotional regulation skills. Therefore, strong emotions, paired with a biological inability to cope, can lead to intense dysregulated behaviours.

Emotional regulation is a foundational life skill, as important as learning to walk, read, or brush your teeth. Children develop emotional regulation skills by observing their environment. Parents serve as the primary source for learning. Children look to their parents to make sense of their emotions, meet their emotional needs, and cope with big feelings.

Signs of Emotional Dysregulation in Your Child

The opposite of emotional regulation is emotional dysregulation. This indicates that your child struggles to manage or work through their feelings. Emotional dysregulation is characterized by reactions that are intense, prolonged, and out of proportion to the situation.

Behavioural Signs

• Frequent and Intense Outbursts: This is often the most noticeable sign. It goes beyond a typical tantrum and can include severe meltdowns, yelling, screaming, throwing objects, hitting, or kicking. These outbursts happen frequently and can last a long time.

• Aggression: This can be directed at themselves, others, or property. It may include hitting, biting, or threats of violence.

• Mood Swings: A child might go from happy to extremely sad or angry in a very short amount of time, with little to no clear trigger.

• Low Frustration Tolerance: They may give up easily on tasks, become highly agitated when faced with a challenge, or have an extreme reaction to minor setbacks.

• Impulsivity: Acting without thinking can lead to poor decision-making and risky behaviours. This can be seen in younger children who grab toys from others or in adolescents who engage in risky activities.

• Difficulty with Transitions: Struggling to shift from one activity to another, such as leaving the playground or stopping screen time.

  
  

Emotional and Cognitive Signs

• Inability to Self-Soothe: After an emotional reaction, the child has trouble calming down on their own. They might remain upset long after the event has passed.

• Chronic Irritability: A persistent state of anger or crankiness that is present for most of the day, most days of the week. This is a key symptom of conditions like Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD).

• Anxiety and Worry: A child may express a lot of worry or fear, even about things that seem minor. This can also manifest as physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches.

• Difficulty Identifying Emotions: They may lack the vocabulary or awareness to recognize and label what they are feeling. When asked, they might just say, "I don't know," or "I'm fine."

• Withdrawal: Some children express dysregulation by becoming withdrawn and quiet, avoiding social interaction, or refusing to talk about their feelings.

  
  

Benefits of Developing Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is a lifelong skill. In my opinion, it is one of the greatest gifts that parents can help their children develop. The benefits for a child who develops strong emotional regulation skills are plentiful and set the foundation for a happy and successful life.

Here are some key benefits:

• Decreased Behaviours: Children who can cope with their emotions exhibit fewer behaviour challenges.

• Improved Relationships: Children who can manage their emotions are better equipped to handle disagreements with friends and siblings, leading to healthier and more stable relationships.

• Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills: When a child can think clearly instead of reacting emotionally, they are better able to find solutions to their problems.

• Greater Resilience: Emotional regulation builds resilience and the ability to bounce back from setbacks. When a child understands that a bad feeling is temporary, they are more likely to try again after a failure.

• Improved Confidence and Independence: A child who feels capable of coping with challenges has improved self-esteem and is empowered in the face of difficult emotions, behaviours, and situations.

• Better Academic Performance: A child who can manage frustration and anxiety is better able to focus in class and persevere through challenging schoolwork.

• Stronger Mental Health: Ultimately, emotional regulation is a cornerstone of good mental health. It helps children cope with stress and anxiety, reducing their risk of developing more serious mental health issues later in life.

  
  

Steps to Support Emotional Regulation

Building emotional regulation is a process that takes time, patience, and practice. Here are some simple yet effective strategies you can use at home:

1. Be a Role Model: This is crucial because your children constantly collect information from their environment. Let your child see you manage your own emotions. When you feel frustrated, narrate your process: "I'm feeling annoyed right now, so I'm going to take a few deep breaths." Your own emotional regulation skills lay the foundation for your children's emotional wellness throughout their lives.

   
   

2. Validate Their Feelings: This is the strongest tool we have to help children learn emotional regulation! When your child is upset, the first step is to acknowledge their emotions. Say things like, "I can see you're really angry right now," or "It's okay to feel sad." This shows them that their feelings are valid and normal while helping them connect to their felt body emotions. It’s truly the best thing you can do!

   
   

3. Teach Emotional Vocabulary: Help your child put a name to their feelings. Use a variety of words, like "frustrated," "anxious," "excited," and "disappointed." You can use books, flashcards, or a simple chart to help them learn these words. You can also label the emotions of others, book and TV show characters, and don’t forget your own feelings!

   
   

4. Create a Calm-Down Toolbox: Help your child identify what helps them feel better when they're upset. This could be a "calm-down corner" with a soft blanket, a favourite book, or a squishy toy. The goal is to give them a toolkit of strategies they can use independently related to their feelings.

   
   

5. Practice Mindfulness and Deep Breathing: Simple breathing exercises can be a powerful tool. Try the "Balloon Breath," where they pretend to inflate a balloon with their breath, or "Starfish Breathing," where they trace their hand and breathe in as they go up a finger and out as they go down.

   
   

When to Seek Help?

It's important to remember that emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time. However, if you notice these signs are persistent, severe, and interfere with your child's ability to function at home, at school, or with friends, it may indicate further mental health challenges. If you have concerns, it's a good idea to consult with your child's doctor or a mental health professional who can provide a comprehensive evaluation and help you find the right support and strategies.

It is never too late to help your child (or yourself) learn how to regulate their emotions. No step towards emotional regulation is too small, so start simply and in a way that is manageable for you. You will begin to notice the benefits quickly when you invest time in developing this skill.

If you are curious to learn more or to receive support in developing this skill for yourself or your family, please reach out to Strong River Counselling to book a free consultation. We aim to help more people develop strong emotional regulation skills!