The Secret to Raising Resilient Kids? More Dirt, Less Directing

In an era dominated by structured activities, academic pressures, and digital engagement, we've lost touch with one of the most powerful—and essential—tools for healthy child development: unstructured play. Basic, child-led, play. When a blanket becomes a fortress, a stick becomes a sword, or a puddle becomes a bowl of soup. This play is not mere downtime; it is the fundamental engine of learning that cultivates essential life skills. Unstructured play is a biological imperative directly responsible for building a child's capacity for innovation, emotional regulation, and social competence. We will explore why stepping back and allowing children the autonomy to create, explore, and simply be is an essential investment we can make in raising resilient kids.

Why Do Children Play?

If you’ve ever seen a group of children together at the park, you’ll know that they run around with seemingly endless energy, shifting from one game to another. This active engagement is vital nourishment for their brains, bodies, and hearts.

All children want (and need) to play. While play may change across the developmental lifespan, it is seen as an essential part of human nature. Play is the mode that children explore and make sense of the world around them and how they fit into that world. Play supports children in learning and developing crucial life skills, such as decision making, emotional regulation, cooperation, and conflict resolution to name a few. Through play, children can use their natural method of expression to develop essential skills which can benefit development into adulthood.

Up until adolescence, children’s primary mode of communication is done through play. Additionally, children’s social skill development is established through play. For example, decision making, self-governance, and cooperation are developed through in-person play interactions with peers. Play offers the opportunity for children to model common behaviours in the real world, supporting the development of social learning skills. Research shows that children who have more opportunities for social learning with peers are more confident, have improved social skills, and develop more meaningful connections.  

How Play has Changed? Unstructured vs. Structured Play 

The world of play can broadly be divided into two essential categories: unstructured and structured.

Unstructured play is child-led and spontaneous. It is created from the imagination, drive, and creativity of the child, without adult rules or goals in mind. An example would be a child building a rocket ship out a cardboard box. 

Key Benefits of Unstructured Play:

• Fostering creativity

• Emotional regulation 

• Building resilience 

• Problem-solving skills

• Independent thinking 

  
  

Furthermore, unstructured play offers the unique benefit of "risky play," where children independently test their limits (for example, climbing high in a tree) without adult constraints. Through engaging in risky play, children naturally learn to develop resilience and emotional regulation. It also sharpens their ability to assess risk, increases their self-confidence, and improves their problem-solving. In essence, children who engage in risky play are more capable of assessing real-world risks and have improved confidence to face life’s inevitable challenges. 

In contrast, structured play is adult-led and organized. It is created with adult guidance, often a parent, coach, or teacher, and has specific rules or objectives in mind. An example would be finishing a puzzle or a child attending a soccer practice. 

Key Benefits of Structured Play:

• Skill development

• Goal orientation

• Following directions

• Establishing routines

A healthy childhood development benefits most from a balance of both types of play. This ensures children have the freedom to explore their imagination while also learning the value of cooperation and rules. However, beginning in the 1980s and continuing though to today, research shows that there has been a persistent decline in unstructured play across North America and other developed nations. The consequence of unstructured play declining is that children lose the chance to experience its vital benefits for their emotional, physical, social, and cognitive development. 

Why Have We Stopped Letting Our Children Play?

Our society has largely transitioned away from unstructured play, favoring structured, adult-supervised activities instead. This shift is primarily driven by the following reasons:

1. Safety Concerns: Beginning in the 1990’s there was a shift towards moving play indoors due to parental concerns for their child’s safety from predators. With this shift, research has shown a decrease in overall in-person play and an increase in “online” gaming and electronics, which has acted as a mode of play and connection with others. 

2. Perceived Developmental and Academic Benefits: Parents have been increasingly focused on wanting children to “succeed” in academics and extracurricular activities. This greater emphasis on academic and sport based extracurriculars, have been at the cost of allowing unstructured play with peers. 

3. Filling Unsupervised Time: Dual income earner families are struggling to balance work and family life, allowing for less time for spontaneous trips to the park or organized playdates with friends. More families are overrelying on screens to occupy a child’s time, and this trend is beginning at an alarmingly early age. 

Risks of Not Playing

We know, through research, about the immense lifelong skills that are developed when we allow children to experience unstructured play. Given this knowledge, societal shifts in how children are “playing” begs the question: how are children learning if they cannot use their biologically wired method they previously relied on? 

The lack of free, unstructured play in a child's life can lead to significant risks and negative consequences across all areas of development: emotional, social, cognitive, and physical. The risks of not allowing unstructured play include:

1. Increased Mental Health Challenges: Play deprivation is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and suicidal ideation in children. Play, especially child-led play, is a natural stress reducer and the primary method of processing difficult emotions and experiences. 

2. Poor Emotional Regulation: Unstructured play allows children to practice managing their feelings, impulses, and reactions within a safe, self-controlled environment. Without it, they may have greater difficulty self-regulating emotions, leading to frustration and more volatile reactions later on.

3. Reduced Resilience:  When children do not have opportunities to face minor challenges, take small risks (like climbing a little higher), and manage small failures in play they do not develop the coping mechanisms needed to handle adversity in adolescence and adulthood.

4. Difficulties with Social Skills and Conflict: Peer-to-peer unstructured play is a critical "social laboratory." A lack of it reduces opportunities to learn and practice compromise, conflict resolution, cooperation, and perspective-taking.

5. Decline in Physical Health - Activities like running, jumping, climbing, and navigating uneven terrain are crucial for developing gross motor skills, balance, coordination, and strength. A reduction in active outdoor unstructured play is directly linked to an increase in sedentary behaviour, contributing to higher risks for childhood obesity. 

How to Integrate More Unstructured Play Into Your Lives

As busy parents, adding another item to an already overwhelming "should do" list feels daunting. The good news is that integrating unstructured play is actually about simplifying your routine and doing less, allowing your child to take responsibility for their own entertainment and learning. To begin this shift, consider these starting points:

1. Schedule “Un-Scheduled” Time 

   • Look at your family calendar and actively block out a few 60-minute slots designated as “Nothing Planned” time. 

2. Curate a Play Environment

   • Provide an area, indoors or outdoors, where it’s safe for your child to explore and play independently, without parental supervision or intervention. 

   • Offer open-ended toys : Rocks, sticks, scarves, cardboard boxes, cushions, paper, clay, or drawing tools. These toys can be many different things with a little imagination!

3. Prioritize Outdoor Time

   • The outdoors is the ultimate environment for unstructured play. A child can foster imagination and problem solving as they use rocks, pinecones, and water to make a magical potion and a stick becomes a wand. 

4. Encourage Age Appropriate Risk 

   • Let your child climb a little higher, jump a little farther, and take small, manageable risks. Testing their limits builds physical competence and confidence

5. Avoid Intervention in the Play

   • Unless there is a physical safety risk, resist the urge to jump in! Let your children navigate their own conflicts, challenges, and lulls. They learn negotiation, problem-solving, and emotional regulation best when they figure it out themselves

What is Play Therapy? 

Play therapy is a therapeutic modality that was created for children to treat a number of mental health concerns in early and middle childhood. As young children have not yet developed the verbal communication skills necessary to engage in traditional “talk therapy,” play therapy allows children to communicate and process their thoughts and feelings through play. By engaging in activities such as drawing, storytelling, and role-playing, children can express emotions that may be difficult to articulate verbally. This form of therapy helps children develop coping skills, enhance their self-esteem, and foster emotional regulation in a safe and supportive environment. Through expressive play, therapists can gain insights into a child's world and guide them toward healing and personal growth.

Expressive Play Therapy is effective for children aged 3-12 experiencing a range of presenting concerns, including: trauma, family changes, grief and loss, anxiety, depression, behavioural issues, developmental challenges, such as Autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, social difficulties, and medical illness. 

Embrace the Freedom of Play

Ultimately, prioritizing unstructured play is one of the most powerful and low-effort investments you can make in your child's future. It's the essential engine for developing core life skills—from resilience and self-confidence to the ability to assess risks and regulate emotions. Instead of feeling pressured to manage every minute of their day, recognize that your most important role is simply to provide the time and space for them to play freely, especially outdoors. By stepping back and giving them the gift of time, you are allowing them to take the lead, learn who they are, and build the critical inner foundation they need to thrive.

Embrace the joy, and the mess, that comes with their independent discoveries!

If you have concerns about your child's emotional or mental well-being, Strong River Counselling  provides expert play therapy services in a supportive, non-judgmental space to explore what's happening. Our goal is to work collaboratively with your family to find a clear path forward, giving you and your child the resources and support needed to build resilience and start thriving. Please feel free to connect with us to schedule a complementary consultation.